love like God

It’s the funniest thing that we are so quick to say we have the ability to love. Yesterday I had an epiphany while listening to Monique Walker’s second chance.

The bible talks a lot about the love of God, there are many verses that tell us one should love like God. Think about this, Gods love is the greatest love ever known to man but us mere mortals declare we know how to love. We have the ability to love like God but we fall short because we have what we call conditional love that comes pride. Conditional love is that love that must give something in return to be given, yet God loves us without asking for much in return even when we don’t give what is asked of us, the unconditional love is constant. “Grace is when God gives us what we don’t deserve. Mercy is when God doesn’t give us what we do deserve.”

I always wondered how to love, many ask what is love, I guess its relevant question and everybody has their own opinion of what it is but I would much rather know how to. Let me tell you a little story.

I found myself breaking down, angry and frustrated at my heartbeat, my heartbeat is the man I love. Now for weeks I had been going through heavy emotions, sleepless nights, worrying, complaining and hurt, almost losing my sanity wondering what’s going on with us. Wondering if this is where I should be in terms of a relationship. Years ago I imagined myself reaching the age of 25 with someone steady and ready to marry. Yet that’s not happening not even close to that. But last night caught between consciousness and unconsciousness I thought of God’s love. I was comforted by a little voice in my subconscious saying, “it may not be where you want to be, but it’s where you should be, God knows.” I am not sure if I was dreaming but 1 John 4 vs 7 came to mind and it says “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God…”. Remember I said I was frustrated about if this is love and why doesn’t he love me like he should but again, quickly I remembered my own saying, “a person will never love you the way you want to be love but simply the way they know how to love.”

So now I set out to love like God.

God’s love is that kind of love that brings restoration to a person comforted that love is always there to build you up and protect you when all has failed. I want to love fiercely and without any limits nor boundaries. The kind of love that conquers, slow to anger and quick to forgive. I think that’s the hardest part forgiving, pride is man’s downfall. When one is stripped naked for the world to see they will do everything in their power to fight for what is left and that’s pride. Pride can destroy love, I want to be able to say I am wrong if I am at fault and teach the same.  I want to be able to forgive, forgiving gives you a chance to let go and let you be free and confident enough to give second chances like God has done with us, giving second chances over and over again. There is something comforting about a tree in winter when all the leave fall off, it shows you the power to let go for new things to come, spring.

Loving like God, you can always take one back regardless of they have done to you and not using their mistakes to your advantage. Love also has the power to humble you, melt a hard heart.

I want to fear love so much that it will be sacred like the love of God.  I want to be thankful and grateful. Loving like God, it won’t matter how someone has failed you no matter at what extent you keep on loving.  In spite of flaws, in spite of wrongs, you keep on loving time after time when one falls. Being merciful, someone who is always there, when you call I will come running, when one grows weak you will be there firm unshaken as a crutch, to be selfless and think of someone other than yourself. A woman that fears God, walks with a stride that magnifies God. To pray whole heartedly for another person, pray with faith and pray so hard that I tremble, to have that steadfast love, for my heart to be someones sanctuary.

The greatest, and  I think is the most important is patience, we often what things to be done at the time we want and not waiting for what’s to come. I will love like .

I had a dream!

I had a dream.

 

 I had a dream about me and you and the things we do.

The times when we are lost inbetween reality and fantasy.

When we lose our individuality and become something more like a we.

I was woken by the empty space next to me.

I was woken by the silent screams, yes baby touch me.

See no one knows the effect you have on me.

And no one know the full potential of the lover you could turn out to be.

Because you’re the type of man that deserves a throne, a kingdom of your own.

I will gladly be on call for you my majesty. I will complete your dynasty.

You see, sometimes in life you come across people who just don’t know there worth,

Your life was my blessing at your birth.

The type of man that doesn’t need to get my attention, he is always placed first.

The type of man whose presence is like a quench of thirst.

 

Superman and superwoman

Ngikhuluma ngalomuntu uthi umbuka ufisa ngathi ungagida, ufise ukukiza.

Noma ungazama ukuziqinisa, ukuzibisa, lomlisa uyakuhlanyisa.

Uze ufise ukusho zonke izithakazelo zakubo, umkhothamele.

Medinga into umezela.

Ngize ngifisa ukuma phambi kwebandla, ngikuvume konke, ngihlambuluke.
Because I don’t want to admit it but the day we met there is something that told me there is life kuwe.

Oh ngiyakucela mekuthando lingangiphindi, ngingazitholi selungiqumbe pannsi ngenqindi.
Nginike ukuthula, ngoba lenjabulo ayinginiki ukuthula.
Izinyembezi zonke zami wazisula, imithandazo yam wayiphendula.
Ithemba elalilahlekile walibuyisa, your presence, your style, wena nje, uyangibusisa.
Uyangchaza, uyangwasha, uyangsanganisa.
Ngiyabonga ngalethuba yokwanzan nenjabulo, Waba the soother of umphefumulo.

Indoda emadodeni, isibusiso, isipho, isisekhelo, I’sphephelo, the epitomy of umdali and imvelo.

Bengingazi ukuthi ukuba khona kwakho ukuqala komlando.

I’ve been spoiled, I want only you, angsakwazi ukphila ngaphandle koku thintwa isandla sakho.

Konke okuhle emhlabeni nemfihlakalo igama nendlela uyiyona uyakumela.

So I ask of you, give me the chance, give me the honor of giving you what you deserve.

Come, sondela. Anything you ask, I will gladly serve.

The Pause Technique!

The “Pause” Technique

A friend of mine looked at me very confused a few days ago. Basically what happened I was incredibly upset, I mean so upset that I was fighting tears and she could see that I was not in the right state of mind. I won’t disclose what happened.

I will try explaining what I was feeling at that point in time. I felt defeat and rendered powerless because there was nothing I could do about the situation. There are seldom situations that shake your entire stability but that day, there was a lot of commotion in my head. I was at work when the unforeseen event took place. When my colleagues spoke I couldn’t hear them. It was like the world was going by and I was standing still. Try imaging this, imagine you are standing in town, the sun is beating down, there is traffic… oh and its pay day and you have a headache. You hear nothing but hooters, hawkers screaming, people shouting, music blasting from taxis, people pushing just that incredible fuss. That was going on in my head, there was a lot of noise but it was my thoughts screaming at me, unsure of how and why I was in this situation again.

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My colleague was sitting right next to me but I could not hear a word she said. She eventually pulled me back to reality and asked me what was wrong. I felt so small, stupid and I really didn’t expect this. I didn’t tell her what was wrong but simply I replied and said “nothing is wrong.” Why would I choose to do that when clearly the war and the agony I was feeling was written on my face you may wonder? Well I had some decisions to make. Stay in that mood or carry on with my day. For the next hour I was incredibly quiet. Did you know that pain lasts 10mins? Anything over 10 minutes is self-inflicted. Think about it… how many times have been in a situation where you were so hurt and 10 hours later you are still grumpy and feeling like it’s the end of the world? That because your replay the feelings over and over again and it feels like the pain is getting worse and worse. Obviously I don’t mean in all situations. For example ladies, if you call your man’s phone and a woman picks up and tell you she is his wife, that would crush anyone but you know the signs were there.

Back to the point of why I am writing this, my way of dealing with situations like those, I give myself enough time to vent, get angry, replay the event, repaly the words anything I can do to make myself feel so much worse about the situation for an hour maximum! I know you sitting there and thinking that is just impossible. Well this technique I call the “pause” technique. Well you give yourself the time to feel those emotions and afterwards you just pause those feelings. I know you probably thinking I am crazy now but sometime you need to take a break from negativity. Being upset takes so much out of person, especially if you are upset about a person who chose not to take your feelings in account. You getting upset over someone who chose to hurt you and protect them, for whatever reasons it maybe. Yes God wouldn’t have created emotions if you weren’t supposed to feel them but ask yourself this question, when was the last time you can remember and say yes I was truly happy. Happiness is no longer a necessity of life, but I am sorry I can’t live like that. I refuse to sit and mope for days till I get to the point of having to remind myself why I am upset and getting upset all over again. We worry about too many things, we have to deal with so many things, pain caused by an insensitive 2nd party is not necessary. It robs us of your rightful inheritance of being happy.

 

let it go

So what happens after the pause technique and for how long do I pause for? I pause those feeling for as long as I can, by the time I get back to those feelings I am too exhausted or just not in the mood to be upset again. That saves me the thoughts, the crying, the insomnia, the wet pillow, listening to those sad songs to aggravate the feelings. Another thing is no one likes being around a grumpy person, a grumpy person is a drag. I stay away from that. Life is so short. Many of us have lost the hunger to live. I mean yes you are alive but you do the same things, go through the same emotions because that’s all you know or maybe comfortable with that. I will quote Leo Buscaglia, “Many of us die before we have lived”. At the end of the day, you have yourself to depend on. You are in charge of your own happiness.

I can’t tell you how many times I have gone through the same bullshit with my man, his infidelity, his lies not being reliable and so forth but I won’t leave a man that I still love with all of my heart until I have done everything in my power to save the relationship. I heard some say relationships must be easy and effortless … well sadly she still has a long way to go but a relationship takes work, time and commitment. That perception of relationships is rather pathetic. But I will get into that some other time.

One more thing that makes it easier for me is the people I surround myself with crazy people. I don’t mean mental people; I don’t mean people who are average normal but people who are extra ordinary. I can’t tell you who to hang out with but I will get into the types of people you need in your life later in the blog.

Lastly I want to share the trust sermon with you. I will go into it in detail in the next upload. And remember these are my views if you think its utter rubbish, oh well.

The trust sermon

One of the quickest ways to get it together and how ones heart mends is to first acknowledge that you’ve been broken. The pain and the agony can do either of two things. It can make you bitter and kill your spirit or propel you to a better place. At some point there should be some desire to put all the pieces back together. You cannot allow the things that push you or the things that broke your heart to edit your prophecy. Realize that no situation formed against you can prosper.” – Robert Glasper

Torn


Torn

A colorless world without your smile became home, it became my friend.

My real life fairytale which you introduced just suddenly came to an end.

I found peace in a world of confusion and uncertainty.

My world filled with endless drought of pain, not a trace of fertility.

I came to the realization that I wasn’t enough, even if I gave the best of me.

Whispers of you calling my name nearly made me lose my sanity.

When things went wrong for me, with you by my side it was more than enough.

The thought of being in the comfort of your love, made my weak exterior tough.

But being without you… it nearly killed me … emotionally, spiritually.

I was lost, it was draining me physically.

 

Living without being serenaded by your presence nearly made me lose my mind.

I clung on to every memory of you I could possibly find.

Even if it was the times you broke me down, the times when you made me cry.

That was better than being without the feeling I got when I looked in your eyes.

I wished the moments we shared would’ve lasted forever.

I wished and replayed every moment when had spent together.

When u truly care about someone, when they disappear the memories and the touches and words remain.

It got to the point that my relief was the agony, you had disappeared and the only thing that reminded me that you were real was the pain.

For a while I held on to that, and that became too hard for me to bear.

Why? Is it that I believed in you too much or maybe you just didn’t care?

How could you have left me when you made me believe in love?

You couldn’t imagine the times I prayed for your return, every night your name was mentioned in plea with the man above.

How can you let me fall when I leaned on you for the strength to stand?

You guided me! But for some reason you let go of my hand.

As much I failed to show you, but your life became my source of joy.

Everything we built …how could you let your wrongs destroy?

I couldn’t exist in a world where you didnt exist.

The reality always use to hit me hard in the heart like a fist.

Because believe it or not, like nature needs sun, rain, air and the earth to grow.

You were perfection to me all of you from head to toe.

Thinking of the times, you and I, driving down from Richards Bay listening to Anthony Hamilton, John Legend.

With your hand locked in mine.

When I said I didn’t love you anymore, I lied.

The part I didn’t tell you was at night, it was for you and your name I cried.

With Johnny Gill in my ears, “take me I’m yours”.

“Please forgive me babe, don’t let it end this way, give me one more try, take me back I’m yours”

Being the words that I so wish you could say.

It’s you that should me next me, but the fact remained you are not I don’t know why.

There were times, when I wanted to call you, beg you to give it another try.

But my pride decided to pay the price.

My faults, your mistakes, didn’t matter after a while.

They seemed so petty, so pointless.

When it became a war of words, of who could hurt one more.

when we both got together ready and armed to attack one another, who could bring the other to their knees with mercy.  

You have been hiding from me, why have you been so unkind to me.

You let me break down and cry.

To many nights I lay awake and asked myself why?

You let me loose me and hate me.

You let me wonder in barren wastelands of sadness.

You left me weak, defenseless, you left me to die.

You left me to suffocate, in distress.

You let my sanity be questioned by my disappointments and hurts.

You let the darkness consume me and heartache attack me so viciously.

Punch, kick and tear me inch by inch.

You let the truth turn into a mess of lies.

You let my smile turn into an twitch of pain.

You let my dreams turn into nothing.

I am your meant to be, your forever, your eternity.

Your everything in doubt, your surety.

You took away my powerless, and rendered useless.

You took away my air, you took away me.

He Won’t do it!!!!

What is true?

I was listening to a friend of mine complaining about her relationship a few days ago. (Don’t we all) It was basically the same things all woman complain about, “he doesn’t call” he doesn’t give me attention”, “he gets all defensive when I tell him what he is doing wrong”, “I’m tired of being alone in a relationship” , “he is supposed to do this! He is supposed to do that” I’m tired of this and I’m tired of that”. Sadly for my friend I am the type of person to listen but not give you advice, not because I want her to suffer but because I’m useless when it comes to relationships, I’m a hopeless case in that department. I’m also at a point where I have no sense in direction concerning the relationship I am in.

So this went on for a while, she vented, got angry, explained what she expects him to do. Compared a few of her exs to her current boyfriend. Took the best qualities of all ex-boyfriends and basically created the “perfect” boyfriend. Which in my opinion doesn’t exist but still I didn’t say anything. That’s what she wants right? Who am I to say she won’t ever get that? Right?

Wrong!

After a while I couldn’t take it anymore! I just said “ok! Stop it! Stop it right there! I can’t handle this anymore. Listen sweets there is something you are going to have to terms with.”

She sat there stunned for a bit, and I’m sure while you reading this you are wondering why I snapped like that.

Well its simple, I don’t like talking about other people’s problems or imposing point of views so I will share mine. Please note: this is my point of view; it may vary depending on the person.

 inlove

 

We all have this idea of how love is supposed to be, this idea of how relationships should be. Correct me if I’m wrong but here is pretty much how we think/wish relationships should be like. He is supposed to sweep me off my feet, which he does in the beginning. We connect, he makes me laugh, says a few sweet words, pretty much everything about him is amazing. After a while he comes to me with a bunch of flowers and chocolate and tells me “I love you” and then I’m smitten and I tell him I love him too. He will take me out, he will spoil me. We will have those normally fights, but he will also apologies; he will run after me if I walk away, he will keep calling until he gets an answer. He will come to my door and say something like “I know I was wrong, I was an idiot. Please forgive me, I love you.” We will have good times and then one day he will then take me to a restaurant or invite me to his place for dinner.   He will propose I will say yes, we will get married then we buy a beautiful house somewhere in the suburbs and we have a couple of babies and a dog that drives you crazy at night when it barks at night. He will be perfect! He will be the best husband, when I call he will come running, when I’m upset he will make me feel better, when we have an argument he will bring me a gift to say he is sorry and he will apologize. Then we will live together happy and grow old loving each other forever and ever. Well in terms of dreams, that’s a pretty good dream, but concerning reality … Well to put it nicely it won’t happen that way.

Now for a person reading this with the hope that you’re in a perfect movie scene you are probably thinking, why would Noz say something so mean!

Well I’m sorry but what I’ve learnt about relationships is, we all have expectations. Maybe expectations that surpasses the norm, but reality is, NOBODY WILL LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO LOVE YOU. Let me say that again, no matter how much you vent, you cry, you throw tantrums, throw your toys, nobody will love you the way you want them to love you. They will simply love you the way they can. We aren’t the same, we don’t even think alike. So how do you expect to impose how you should be loved on to an individual, whom I would think what attracted you to them was their sense of individuality and how they are. As Thomas Merton said “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them”.

Sometimes I think we get into relationships for reasons that aren’t clear to one another. We all have somewhat undefined goals, ask yourself, why am I in this relationship that I am in right now? It is because I just didn’t want to be alone? Or because I just thought why not? I’m not dating anyone anyways. It’s gotten all complicated when this thing is just so simple. Not that I’m saying I have all the answers but me myself I’m just a mess, I know what I should be doing but the implementation is the fail for me.

I love how back in the day, a man would court you, (I know you thinking WHAT! #Falling off your chair maybe) but courting, the man would make it clear what he wants, he would respect you as a woman. What is courting some may ask well let me try breaking it down for you. Well courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman to determine if it it’s God’s will for them to marry each other, with guidance from elders they work on developing a deep friendship and getting to know each other. Whereas dating, a man and a woman choose to date with no commitment to consider marrying each other, maturity and readiness for marriage are not considered in the decision to date. People usually date with selfish goals of having fun and enjoying romantic attachments. Now you probably are thinking what? Noz wants to get married! I ask you, the why are we in relationships? What the whole point? Because I don’t want to date forever! In fact this dating thing only ever ends with me heartbroken. Call me old fashion and yes I am. I take a look at the relationships like my parents and grandparents, they have been married for years… why are so many people failing now? Quite frankly I don’t want to be a statistic of divorce. But hey what does Noz know? This is just purely my observation.

last

Another mistake we make is, we often look for blessings for relationship with friend or we confide in people who are standing on the outside looking in. Asking one other if this is how it should be, or looking for some sort of proof that he loves me from someone else and forget that you should be asking the person. When someone says they love you, who are you to question their love based on what you want? It doesn’t make sense but it happens. Remember I said a person can’t love you the way you want them to love, well lets change “can’t” to “won’t”. You want this, you want that, you are so busy with what you want him to do that you don’t even notice the things he is doing to show you that he loves you…

Hurt

You see the thing is, no matter how much you try convincing yourself, you’re ok and the pain is gone. You will find that one day you’re trying to love someone else but you can’t.

It hurts trying to convince yourself that you can be inlove with someone when you know that you arent capable of feeling. And that hurts, cause all the pain comes back 10 000 times worse. So here I am, trying to figure out how I got here again, tears in my ears, my pillow soaking wet, trying to sleep but all you keep doing is tossing and turning all night. Yes the only thing you want to do is hold him, kiss him one more time or maybe trying to figure out how to get him back in your life.

My whole body shaking in disbelief, how did things turn out so bad?

How did I land up feeling so alone and distraught. 

I just want to hear him say my name one more time, tell me he loves me one more damn time. Why am I suffering for loving someone?

Resentment is alot of weight to carry, the more I think about it, the more I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, punch something, break something, tear something, destroy something. I have to find a way to get over this but I don’t know how. I don’t know how, how could he? How could he hurt me beyond how much I loved him? Why didnt he feel obliged to protect the heart that loved him so much? Why did he choose to destroy me? I don’t get it, I’m the one whose struggling to smile sincerely, saying I’m happy without a doubt.

Was it how I dressed? Was it how I looked? Was it my hair? Was it my smile? What if he looked at me and realized I wasn’t what he wanted and forgot to tell me? Was it something I said or something I didnt do? What is wrong with me? What must I do? What must I change? What  should I have done to be perfect for him? Why damn it! I’m falling apart, and I cant do anything about, I don’t what to do I’m living in sorrow. I hate him so much, I hate him so so so much. No one has the right or the excuse to feed a person a lie and tell them they love them.

Manje usebhukise ngam? Waphula inhlinziyo yam, wakhohlisa uthando lwam, ngaba islima, ngakholwa amanga, ngabheka ithemba lam kumkhohlisi, waba isela wantontsa injabulo yam, waba isizathu zenyembezi zami, wawona umoya wami, ngabe yini le engakwenza kuyena aze athathe isqumo sokungiziswa ubhlungu okunje?

One day I hope I will get the answers, one day I hope I will mend, but until that day I will continue trying to forgive you, I will continue praying that soon your face will fade away.

Resentment Part 2

I don’t understand why, what did I do to him that’s so bad that he would take a decision to mess with my heart? I cried myself night after night for him and because of him. One day he was the most loving man ever, we were in sync, the next day, he beating me down with his words, taking throws at my only heart, piercing my soul.  I’d have sleepless nights trying to figure out what is it that I’m doing wrong! I’d have migraines wondering what I am doing that make him become so cold. My God! The things he would say to me, he would make my presence so worthless, he would make me feel so useless, unneeded, unimportant, and irrelevant and I should be honoured to be in his life. He treated me like an accessory, now I’m sure we all know we treat accessories, we only take them out when we need them. He treated me like that, when he needed me to do something for him, I wouldn’t have a choice, I had to always be ready, willing and able. Follow his instructions, wait for his summon, no matter where I was, no matter what I was doing it never bothered him; I just had to stop and do what he told. I won’t say I didn’t want to help him; I wanted to, I was willing to do anything for him. I mean anything, jump in front of bus for him. I wanted so badly to show him I would do anything and be anything for him, I wanted him to love me. And the fact that he was never there when I needed him killed me, the promises he made he never kept, how he raised up my hopes just to let them fall flat on the ground, the way he never even apologized for making me cry, he never apologized even when he knew he was wrong, he blamed me. I took it all, the disappearance, the heartless words, the rushed meetings, the arguments that always left me powerless and wounded. I would send him some of my heart felt poetry; I wouldn’t get a thank you, or an acknowledgment (love sonnet 1).

The minute I start expressing the things I’m not happy about or what’s hurting me I was told I’m being rude and I’ve got attitude or I’ve found someone else. How could that be? Well fact is he knew there wasn’t anyone else, he knew he was my world; he knew he could play me like a fiddle and keep me in check.  The thing is with women is or should I rather say me, is that I saw the best in him, but he was ready to show me his worst. I saw in him more than just a man, he was my king, my reason, my solitude, my refuge, his arms was my sanctuary, his presence became my safe haven, his voice became my favourite soul beat. Aaaah man, he became my hero, my forever wrapped in a bow, his kisses became my delicacy, and his touches became my shock therapy. How quickly things changed so quickly.

I stayed with him irrespective of how much I was hurting, even though I asked myself why all of the time. I said earlier pain can turn the warmest heart into an ice cold stone.  See the more I wanted to be with him, he resisted. The more love I showed, the more my heart was broken, the more love he drained, the more hatred he was filling. The more I cried the more I saw myself drowning, the more I tried, the more I saw myself loosing. The more I looked into his eyes, the more I saw myself fading, the more I yearned for his touch, and it was my life his hand was ending. The more I tried to reason the more I saw it didn’t make sense, the more I tried to convince myself the more I became uncertain, the more dreams I had of him the more my nightmares became a reality. The more I tried to breath him in, the more his presence was choking me, the more I tried to stand next to him the more he towered over me, the more I’d try build trust, the more he demolish my efforts, the more I gave, the more he took away.  The more I fought, the more power he gain, the more I spoke, the more my voice he took away, the more I tried to feel, the more I became numb, the more I tried to break free the tighter became his grip on me, the more I was showing I’d never dessert him, he turned his back towards me. The more I tried to convince myself I was happy, the more he showed me this isn’t what I want. The fact is when I was hurting, crying, venting, he was happy somewhere else with some else. I could blame him for everything; I could blame everything on him, but the truth is I also tried to force him to love me, I wanted to believe everything he said, the things he did that didn’t make sense, I made excuses for him. I was so desperate for him to be the one, God know how many times I prayed that he wanted me the way he wanted me. The only we had in common was music, and anything else well I just decided that I don’t have say. I never had an opinion. My dreams never mattered; he was all that was right. So again, it was my fault for putting him so highly on a pedestal, it was my fault I worshiped him. They say love blind a person, when I think back I realize I lost myself, some where I lost my individuality. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized this wasn’t me. I was alone, I had been forced to give up my friends, choose between him and my family, and let down everybody else but him.  Eventually love transformed to hate, the arguments became worse, the thought of him would make me want to puke, I really didn’t care if he came to see me, I just wanted him to leave, the sound of his voice made me cringe, the things he did didn’t bother me anymore. Everything he said to me was a lie, every time he said he loved me I didn’t believe him, every time he called I would think twice about answering his calls. Every time he was told me he misses me I wouldn’t be moved. Every time he started accusing, I would just stare and have nothing to say. Every time he was looking for an argument, I would agree with and apologize before he would say anything. I just had nothing to say to him, nor did I want to see him. I acknowledged that he was in my life. I acknowledged that he was my man, I had to pretend that he loves me, but I wouldn’t dare think  of finding someone else, I just couldn’t imagine having to start another relationship. Having to learn and understand someone else. All I knew was the pain I was feeling just showed me I’m not crazy, he is real.

 

The Art of Forgiveness and letting go

Forgiveness: a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

A wise person once said to me, “the first step to forgiving someone understands that the person is complete idiot.” How true is that? I shall quote TD Jakes:

“There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

And revenge . . . . . . . . LET IT GO!!! “– Pastor TD Jakes

This was the first part of the wakeup call I got. I mean I know this, in the back of my mind I knew I shouldn’t be begging to be noticed. I had become a monster; I was cold hearted, hurt, frustrated, angry and fed up with how I was treated but that was my own fault, who is he? I slept with my hand clutching my heart, hoping it wouldn’t hurt as much in the morning. I slept in a pillow soaked of tears. No matter where I was, I would just burst into tears; my heart couldn’t take it anymore. I woke up drained, tired and I was dying. I just wanted to be alone and nights use to be so long. How can I give him so much power over me? I was ok before him, I was fine, I was happy, and how could I so easily just put so much of my happiness on him? Who does he think he is? How could I let a man push me so far?

My second wake up call, the one that pushed me over the edge was I asked him to take me somewhere, he said ok, but he never showed up, ok well I was use to him saying he would do something and he never did. The next time I saw, I had nothing to say to him, not that I was angry, I just didn’t have anything to say. We had a huge argument, for the first time I saw the monster I fell in love with. The things he said to me, broke me down, the words stung, they felt like daggers, the felt like bullets piercing through me, I felt like I was in a whirlpool of emotions. Every word hit me like a punch to the soul. The way he looked at me, he looked at me like he was disgusted; he looked at me like he saw rubbish. His voice was chilly, ice cold, he kept his voice was poison, and he was draining the life out of me. I looked at him, searching for that man I fell for, I couldn’t find him. I kept asking myself what did I do that was so wrong, what is it that I did to deserve this? My world came crumbling down, I felt humiliated. Mostly I was terrified; he scared me, the rage in his eyes, how his voice hit me like a whip, and how he told me to get out of his car. And when he drove away, I felt the tears trickling down my cheeks, I cried like a baby, my heart beating painfully, I couldn’t talk, I just cried in my best friends arms, I felt so powerless. Felt like my heart was ripped out of my heart. I was shaking; I could only hear the words he said ringing in my ears. Sadly I was sick after that, I was bordering on depression, had anxiety attacks, and my heart couldn’t take all of this, that’s when I knew I had to let go.

Letting go was not easy though, but I wasn’t given much of a choice, the thought of seeing him scared me to death, he didn’t hurt me physically but I would start shaking at the thought of seeing him. I guess in a way I would have much rather him hurt me physically; a physical bruise heals, an emotional bruise is just impossible to heal. See if I knew what it is he is after or what is it that made him turn on me like this but if I could try save him, he would kill me. If I was strong enough to keep living like this I wouldn’t leave him but sadly I am not. That’s a reality I had to face.

Resentment

“Resentment, or the strong and painful bitterness you feel when someone does something wrong to you, doesn’t have actual physical weight, but it feels very heavy and can last a long time.”

 Seems like a strange definition to quote but I have never related to it until the day I looked at the man I thought loved me like I loved him.

You see, my story is simple, clear denial and hoping to change a person who wasn’t ready to. I don’t know what it is that attract to a woman who clearly hurting and in pain. I don’t know what keeps attracting heartless men to me; maybe I’m just a bad judge of character, whatever it is it must stop. I honestly thought this one was the one. I want to go back to how I met him and highlight what I ignored. I was in a very fragile state, crumbling inside, I was alone and no-one knew the storm that was happening in my soul. But like I said before men can sense a woman who is distraught because they know, you’re gullible, you’re looking for something to relief the pain or something to forget, you have a bruised ego, somehow lower self-esteem, you just easier than a women who is thinking clearly.

 

 

When I look back, I could punch myself, see, there were too many red flags.

 See the reason why I quoted that definition was because the more he hurt me, I felt a rage slowly start building inside of me. I never understood what was happening, all that made sense to me was I love him. Unrequited love is the hardest to bear but being made a fool of and told a lie over and over again can turn the love as hot coal to as hard and cold as ice.  What men fail to understand or should I say what my “X” refused to acknowledge was I had feelings. Why do I say that you may ask? Well it’s simple, he saw an inexperienced, naïve daddy s girl. Well I guess that would explain why a man of his calibre and class would play such childish games. Think about what I just said carefully. A man with such class would play games, yet I’m naïve and inexperience? Well he played his game but what did he win exactly? Is breaking someone’s heart and achievement? What is there to gain?

Poem of Love – Sonnet 1

You are my joy, my pain, my sunshine, my rain, my wrong, my right, my blindness, my sight, my darkness, my light, my up, my down, my sky, my ground.

Constantly I ask myself is this love that I’m feeling, ngykhumbula ngikuqala ukbona.
Bengingazi ukuthi ngizokuthanda ngalendela engkuthanda ngakhona.
Ngayithatha kancane lento ekuthiwa uthando.
Bengingazi ukuthi ukuba khona kwakho ukuqala komlando.
Manje sekunzima ukphila ngaphandle kwakho.
Kumele ngibe nawe, angsakwazi ukphila ngaphandle koku thintwa isandla sakho.
Noma inqqondo ingazama ukungiphikisa kodwa ngikhetha wena.
Manje inhliziyo ifuna wena wedwa.

Thixo! Msindisi! Nakungizohlanyiswa ukuthanda lomlisa.
Baningi abasezamile ukungiphazamisa, bethi ukuthanda wena ukuziqalekisa.
Bathi shiya pannsi lomlisa, nokuthi uzongenzela pansi bayakufisa.
Ngendlela engizizwa ngayo, bakhuluma kufanele.
Kodwa nami angizenzi, to me, the fact that u do love me yanele.

Oh ngiyakucela ungangiphindi, ngingazitholi uthando selungiqumbe pannsi ngenqindi.
Nginike ukuthula, ngoba lenjabulo ayinginiki ukuthula.
Izinyembezi zonke zami wazisula, imithandazo yam wayiphendula.
Ithemba elalilahlekile walibuyisa, your presence, your style, wena nje, uyangibusisa.
Uyangchaza, uyangwasha, uyangsanganisa, ukuthi ungumuntu wami kuyanganelisa.
Ngiyabonga ngalethuba yokwanzan nenjabulo, Waba the soother of umphefumulo.
So with that being said, I thought I’d take this opportunity to let u know, u r appricated like no other.
One day I hope I will be enough 4 u but for now the best I can do is to reassure,  uyathandwa.
Ngize ngifisa ukuma phambi kwebandla, ngikuvume konke, ngihlambuluke.
Because I don’t want to admit it but the day we met there is something that told me there is life kuwe.

Do stop me if I’m way in over my head,
Coz the last thing I need is one more thing 2 ada 2 my pile of regrets.
I love you, ngakokonke okusenhlizweni yam.
I don’t think you understand the influence oyilethe emphilweni yam.
The thought of this amazing man next to me is isithandwa sam.
Mengihamba nawe, the feeling of safety, uJohn Legend wami.
Isosha lam, qhawe lam, yaz wena, ngivele ngiphelelwe amazwi, ey sani!

This man in my life.
Indoda emadodeni, isibusiso, isipho, isisekhelo, I’sphephelo, the epitomy of umdali and imvelo.

Ngokukhulu ukuzi thoba.
Ngiyazibongela.

*I will share more, this is before love went stale